Never in my life have I ever received so many bunches of flowers, so much so that it was becoming embarrassing at work because my desk was covered in them. But I do feel blessed. I feel blessed for having such a lot of caring supporting people around me. It's at times like this in your life that you realise who the people are who really care and those who don't give a fat rats arse.
Since my diagnoses there have been mended relationships which I thought may have been permanently broken. I have received flowers from people that I have never met. There have been the kind family and friends who have brought round a meal, inlaws that have collected firewood, kind thoughts that people have put down in a card, just to let us know they are thinking about us. Strangers that have walked this road themselves who are quite happy to visit with a listening ear, helpful advice and a useful book.
And then there are the friends who I thought would be there but stay away because they don't know how to react. There are the people who I see on a regular basis who's only concern is how it is effecting them. And finally there are those uninformed people who in some sadistic way enjoy telling me tales of woe, morbid stories of people that haven't been lucky enough to pull through, of the horrific treatments and suffering I am going to have to endure. Those, that even though they have not been through it, are experts on knowing how I feel, how I'm going to be feeling and how awful it is all going to be. I will find out when I get there thanks by taking one step at time.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Swimming Lopsided
26th November 2009
The most welcome news arrived today! MRI showed no tumor in the right breast, hallelujah!! The results were so late because it appears that they may have found a third 'something' (which in no way makes it more serious or put me in any danger) in the left side. They are not sure if it is a tumor or not and the medics were in a bit of a quandry as to what to do with me. They asked me if I wanted an ultrasound of the other two masses because if they weren't cancerous, then they could save my breast by only performing a lumpectomy. The nurse's advice to me was if it was her, she would still go with taking off the entire breast just to be sure. So that is what I am going with. I have accepted now that I am going to lose one side of me so may as well go with it and know in my own mind that everything has gone instead of forever worrying that it may still be lurking. So all systems are go! Op will take place around 12 noon at Bowen Hospital in Ngaio on Tuesday 1st December.
The most welcome news arrived today! MRI showed no tumor in the right breast, hallelujah!! The results were so late because it appears that they may have found a third 'something' (which in no way makes it more serious or put me in any danger) in the left side. They are not sure if it is a tumor or not and the medics were in a bit of a quandry as to what to do with me. They asked me if I wanted an ultrasound of the other two masses because if they weren't cancerous, then they could save my breast by only performing a lumpectomy. The nurse's advice to me was if it was her, she would still go with taking off the entire breast just to be sure. So that is what I am going with. I have accepted now that I am going to lose one side of me so may as well go with it and know in my own mind that everything has gone instead of forever worrying that it may still be lurking. So all systems are go! Op will take place around 12 noon at Bowen Hospital in Ngaio on Tuesday 1st December.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Taking A Nap in a 10 Gallon Drum!
Today I had to beat the path once again over to Boulcott, this time to get my breasts photographed from the inside out in the form of an MRI. I was not particularly looking forward to this being done as I had seen these machines on tv and thought how frightening they looked. I had had a really bad morning at work and was already stressed when I arrived for my appointment. My heart was thudding in my chest which was going to make it really hard to lie perfectly still. I was shown to a cubicle, once again given a standard hospital gown that does up down the front and then I was given a selection of music to chose to listen to. I thought the relaxing piano melodies would be good to calm me but it ended up being more annoying than the noise of the machine and I didn't recognise any of the songs. Anyway, back to matter at hand. I had to have a line put in my vein where they were going to eventually inject a dye. I was then taken to the room where the 'monster' machine was. It didn't look half as frightening as what I thought. I had to lay on my tummy with my mammaries hanging randomly into a space below where they would be told to smile for the camera. My arms were strapped to my sides and a buzzer placed in one hand, should I need them to stop. They then put headphones on me and I had to lay my head on one side on a special pillow with a hole cut out to make room for the earphones. The techs talk to you through the headphones at regular intervals and they explain what is happening. So once I was ready for take off, they pushed the button and off I went. I had to lay perfectly still for two lots of five minute sessions. For the final one I felt the cold dye go up my arm to my shoulder when they injected it in. I had to lay perfectly still for 11 minutes more which was really difficult and my nose kept threatening to itch. The machine was quite noisy and I could hardly hear the music. Do you think they would have minded if I had pressed the buzzer and asked them to turn it up a bit? So now, another waiting game starts. But thank goodness that is the end of all the tests. I just want to get on with the proceedure now. My operation is booked for Tuesday 1st December and I am taking two months off of work, working right up until the Monday. My op is scheduled for lunchtime, dam I'm going to be starving by then!
Visit to the Plastic Surgeon
17th November 2009
I never wished to have anything altered, except for maybe my nose. Darren and I are truly amazed at the choices out there for reconstructive surgery. We met with the surgeon who is going to be remodelling me after I have finished my therapy. He drew all over my belly with red felt pen to show me one of the proceedures and where the scarring would be. Because I am going to have radiation the medics prefer not to reconstruct the breast until afterwards because in plain English, the radiation can undo all the work by cooking it and making it rubbery. After they have removed the breast they are going to insert a skin expander. I call it a space saver. It is a round bag with a port in it. It is inserted under the skin and every week it is topped up through the port with saline to the desired size. Basically I have four options:-
1. To not have any reconstruction.
2. Silicone inplants
3. Tummy muscle and fat used to recreate new breast
4. Back muscle used to recreate new breast.
The doctor placed a silicone implant into my hand. I was surprised at how heavy it was but it was the same weight as a natural breast. For me having something foreign in my body does not appeal. Once the skin starts to heal and scar tissue forms it can squeeze around the implant causing it to pucker and then I would be back to square 1.
The tummy muscle recreation is called a TRAM flap. They slice your tummy from hip to hip and around your tummy button, roll up the skin and push one side of your tummy muscle up into the chest to form a breast. They then replace the muscle with mesh, I guess, to hold everything in. He said that I would only just have enough fat to make one, so if I have to have a double whammy, then this won't be an option. The upside of this is that I get a FREE tummy tuck. May as well make the best of a bad situation, I say. One problem with that, he informed us is that it raises your public hair line a little when they pull the skin up. I have visions of pubes, peaking over the waist band of my jeans.....not a particularly attractive look, is it? The scar is really low down and will eventually fade to white.
The last option is probably the one I will take in the event of having both breasts off. They slice along the back below the shoulder blades and push the muscle around the sides to form breasts. Because there is no fat there they have to insert a partial implant which isn't as risky as having full implants.
Once all that is done, they create a nipple from a fold of skin and then later on tattoo the areola on. Bloody amazing! I told Darren that he doesn't need his nipples, so he may as well donate them to me. When I had a look at what I'd be getting I decided against it.....far too much hair for my liking. So, it all hinges on what surgery I have to have as to what option I will take.
PS: Thanks to all my friends for offering their extra tummy fat...I have been inundated with offers.
I never wished to have anything altered, except for maybe my nose. Darren and I are truly amazed at the choices out there for reconstructive surgery. We met with the surgeon who is going to be remodelling me after I have finished my therapy. He drew all over my belly with red felt pen to show me one of the proceedures and where the scarring would be. Because I am going to have radiation the medics prefer not to reconstruct the breast until afterwards because in plain English, the radiation can undo all the work by cooking it and making it rubbery. After they have removed the breast they are going to insert a skin expander. I call it a space saver. It is a round bag with a port in it. It is inserted under the skin and every week it is topped up through the port with saline to the desired size. Basically I have four options:-
1. To not have any reconstruction.
2. Silicone inplants
3. Tummy muscle and fat used to recreate new breast
4. Back muscle used to recreate new breast.
The doctor placed a silicone implant into my hand. I was surprised at how heavy it was but it was the same weight as a natural breast. For me having something foreign in my body does not appeal. Once the skin starts to heal and scar tissue forms it can squeeze around the implant causing it to pucker and then I would be back to square 1.
The tummy muscle recreation is called a TRAM flap. They slice your tummy from hip to hip and around your tummy button, roll up the skin and push one side of your tummy muscle up into the chest to form a breast. They then replace the muscle with mesh, I guess, to hold everything in. He said that I would only just have enough fat to make one, so if I have to have a double whammy, then this won't be an option. The upside of this is that I get a FREE tummy tuck. May as well make the best of a bad situation, I say. One problem with that, he informed us is that it raises your public hair line a little when they pull the skin up. I have visions of pubes, peaking over the waist band of my jeans.....not a particularly attractive look, is it? The scar is really low down and will eventually fade to white.
The last option is probably the one I will take in the event of having both breasts off. They slice along the back below the shoulder blades and push the muscle around the sides to form breasts. Because there is no fat there they have to insert a partial implant which isn't as risky as having full implants.
Once all that is done, they create a nipple from a fold of skin and then later on tattoo the areola on. Bloody amazing! I told Darren that he doesn't need his nipples, so he may as well donate them to me. When I had a look at what I'd be getting I decided against it.....far too much hair for my liking. So, it all hinges on what surgery I have to have as to what option I will take.
PS: Thanks to all my friends for offering their extra tummy fat...I have been inundated with offers.
On No, My Eyelashes!
14th November 2009.
Isn't it strange that I always thought that if I was diagnosed with something like this, I would fall to pieces. When people hear the word cancer they automatically think 'death sentence'. In the last week or so I have gained this incredible strength that I didn't know I had. I don't think of myself as having cancer. I refuse at this stage to think too hard about the seriousness of it all, instead place my faith in what the doctors tell me. In my mind I have something in my breast which does not belong there. The doctors are going to remove it, I will have the chemo and radiation and I will be ok. This tumor is slow growing and the survival rates are good. I will be one of those survivors! I don't have a choice because my life is just starting and I ain't giving it up for anything! I want to grow old and be one of those old people in the supermarket who holds everyone up and pisses people off. My nurse Robin has told me that there is a very small window of hope that I may not need chemo....that would be blessing but as for now we will assume that I will have to order the works combo, chemo, radiation and five years of pill popping to keep the pest at bay. I think it is all to do with whether they find any cells in the lymph nodes which they will take out during surgery. The nodes are discected and the results aren't known until 10 days after surgery. I'm not too phased at this point to be losing a boobie, I have started looking at wigs. I pencil my eyebrows now, so once those go I can replace those but.......noooooo, not my eyelashes. I don't leave the house without mascara on, where I am going to put it now? Others say, think of the savings, no shampoo, hairstyling products, razors, waxes, even a free brazillian. All good I suppose but I don't plan on wearing a bikini just yet. I feel a sense of bravado at the moment about the hair but I'm sure when the time comes I'm not going to be overjoyed. So as to save blocking up the drains and making more work for Darren, I have had my lovely locks cut as short as possible, therefore hopefully making the transition a bit more 'unshocking'.
Visit To The Surgeon
11th November 2009
An appointment had been made with another surgeon to perform the operation as my initial surgeon was going to be away for three months. We met Burton King on Wednesday afternoon. He also was astounded that I had actually found the dimpling myself. The specialists nurse informed me that my staging tests had all come back clear so that was a huge relief. Burton did another ultrasound on the breast. What they originally thought was a 6mm mass now was showing up as either two masses or one larger one of 3cm. My stomach churned. I asked him if that meant that it was more serious. He replied that it meant that it was more serious in the fact that my breast couldn't be saved with a lumpectomy and that I would have to have the whole breast off. He looked at me expecting me to be shocked and upset but I had already resigned myself to the fact that this may happen. He also said that with the removal of the breast and chemo and radiation he is confident of a cure. He did an ultrasound of the other breast and seemed to think that it was all clear but the MRI would be done to make sure. Talk about a waiting game!
An appointment had been made with another surgeon to perform the operation as my initial surgeon was going to be away for three months. We met Burton King on Wednesday afternoon. He also was astounded that I had actually found the dimpling myself. The specialists nurse informed me that my staging tests had all come back clear so that was a huge relief. Burton did another ultrasound on the breast. What they originally thought was a 6mm mass now was showing up as either two masses or one larger one of 3cm. My stomach churned. I asked him if that meant that it was more serious. He replied that it meant that it was more serious in the fact that my breast couldn't be saved with a lumpectomy and that I would have to have the whole breast off. He looked at me expecting me to be shocked and upset but I had already resigned myself to the fact that this may happen. He also said that with the removal of the breast and chemo and radiation he is confident of a cure. He did an ultrasound of the other breast and seemed to think that it was all clear but the MRI would be done to make sure. Talk about a waiting game!
The First Week.
9th November 2009.What a rollercoaster of a week that was. The day after diagnosis was probably the worst. I couldn't eat, just wanted to sleep and blot the whole thing out. I did not know how I was ever going to get through this. Quite honestly I wished I could die right there and then rather than face the scarey unknown. There was so much to do, so much information to take in, forms to fill out for the insurance company, mortgage holiday to organise, leave from work......the list went on....all all seemed TOO BIG! I hadn't even really cried. It wasn't until Head Office sent me some flowers with an encouraging message that I actually broke down and let the grief come out. A encouraging phone call from the specialists nurse telling me that I would get through this was what I really needed to hear. The next day I went back to work. I don't know how I managed to concentrate but it was actually a good diversion being kept busy. On the Saturday I went and had my blood tests done. All these tests I was later to find out are calling 'staging' which simply means that they medics can tell which stage the tumor is at. Whilst I was getting my blood taken, the lady taking the blood was telling me that one of their work mates had also been diagnosed that week. Statistics show that seven women a day are diagnosed in NZ alone!
On the Monday I had to go and have my chest x-rayed to make sure there were no cells in my chest. I was really quite worried about this but the specialists nurse said that it was highly unlikely as if that was the case I would have been really sick by now. I was quite apprehensive about receiving my results back within the next couple of days.
On the Monday I had to go and have my chest x-rayed to make sure there were no cells in my chest. I was really quite worried about this but the specialists nurse said that it was highly unlikely as if that was the case I would have been really sick by now. I was quite apprehensive about receiving my results back within the next couple of days.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Diagnosis
3rd November 2009
Driving on our way to get the results of the core biopsy I just wanted to get there, hear the good news that all was fine so that I could come home, carry on life, start eating again and look forward to our cruise next October.
We were early arriving at the clinic. I looked for tell-tale signs on the faces of those that greeted us as to whether they knew of my diagnoses or not. The specialist's nurse came out and asked me if I had brought my mammogram films with me.....from that point on, I knew all was not well. She must want my films to explain something to me, I thought. I looked at Darren and said 'This isn't good, why would they want me to bring my films?" We were shown into the specialists rooms and as I sat down, I saw the results on his desk with Infiltrating Lobular Carcinoma Grade 1 highlighted in blue. I didn't know what on earth it was but I knew right then that our lives were going to be changed forever. The specialist explained that they had found a 6mm tumor. The first question I asked was "Is it terminal?" He replied that no, it wasn't and that it was treatable. He went on to explain that it was the 2nd most common breast cancer but the difference between ductal and lobular cancer is that lobular forms in the milk lobes and seeds itself into other parts of the breast. I would have to have an MRI to see the tumor more clearly and to see if it had gone into the other breast but I would have to wait until another two weeks at least until I was at the beginning of my cycle to get a correct analysis. In the meantime I was to go and have a chest x-ray and my blood tested which would detect whether the cancer had effected by bones, liver or blood. It was all too much. I just sat staring, unblinking, trying to take everything in. Surely this happens to other people....it can't be real....it can't really be happening to me....But it was!
Driving on our way to get the results of the core biopsy I just wanted to get there, hear the good news that all was fine so that I could come home, carry on life, start eating again and look forward to our cruise next October.
We were early arriving at the clinic. I looked for tell-tale signs on the faces of those that greeted us as to whether they knew of my diagnoses or not. The specialist's nurse came out and asked me if I had brought my mammogram films with me.....from that point on, I knew all was not well. She must want my films to explain something to me, I thought. I looked at Darren and said 'This isn't good, why would they want me to bring my films?" We were shown into the specialists rooms and as I sat down, I saw the results on his desk with Infiltrating Lobular Carcinoma Grade 1 highlighted in blue. I didn't know what on earth it was but I knew right then that our lives were going to be changed forever. The specialist explained that they had found a 6mm tumor. The first question I asked was "Is it terminal?" He replied that no, it wasn't and that it was treatable. He went on to explain that it was the 2nd most common breast cancer but the difference between ductal and lobular cancer is that lobular forms in the milk lobes and seeds itself into other parts of the breast. I would have to have an MRI to see the tumor more clearly and to see if it had gone into the other breast but I would have to wait until another two weeks at least until I was at the beginning of my cycle to get a correct analysis. In the meantime I was to go and have a chest x-ray and my blood tested which would detect whether the cancer had effected by bones, liver or blood. It was all too much. I just sat staring, unblinking, trying to take everything in. Surely this happens to other people....it can't be real....it can't really be happening to me....But it was!
First visit to the specialist
29th October 2009. I managed to get in to see the breast specialist at Boulcott Breast Clinic quite quickly which was a relief. Within less than a week of ringing for an appointment, I was booked in. When I arrived I had the standard mammogram and whilst I was putting my clothes back on the lady who takes the films came in to the cubicle and informed me that the two doctors had looked at my mammograms and they were fine. Phew....what a relief! We then went through to the specialists rooms and he examined me. He was amazed that I had even noticed the flattening of skin on my breast as it was so slight. He did an ultrasound of the area and discovered a 1 cm shadow just below the dimpling. He wasn't sure what it was but sent me through to another room where the ultrasound equipment was a lot better. The technician who did the ultrasound said that there was a shadow but it didn't look as if it was a mass. She took the film for another specialist to look at who then came in and said that he felt that further investigation was necessary in the way of a core biopsy. They injected my breast to numb the area and proceeded to extract three lots of tissue from the breast by way of an instrument which resembled a six inch nail. It didn't hurt and I could see where the device was entering my breast from the ultrasound screen next to me. It was similar to an ear piercing tool which shoots in and out. After this chain of events I was quite shocked because once again the mammogram had turned up nothing and each one of the specialists had told me that they were sure it wasn't breast cancer but just wanted to be sure. I would have to return to the clinic next Tuesday for my results.
I don't suit hats!!
I don't suit hats!! I never wear hats unless it is extremely hot....or extremely cold....but all that is about to change. Three weeks ago on the 15th October I was getting dressed after having a shower when I glanced in the mirror and noticed a mark on my left breast which looked like a bruise. When I raised my arm the shape of the bruise elongated which I thought was rather strange. Just must be the shadow off of the lighting in our new house, I thought. The next day when I went to work I looked in the mirror in the ladies but couldn't see the mark. When I got home I checked again in my own bathroom mirror......but it was still there!
I had always had trouble with my left boob, as far back as 2005, just before our wedding. I noticed a large lumpy area that appeared out of the blue. Wellington Hospital mammogram came back clear, ultrasound found dense breast tissue and a cyst. Nothing to be concerned about. Then in 2006 I discovered a blood coloured discharge from the same breast and took myself off to the specialist again. Once again, mammogram came back clear and specialist said there was no breast cancer. Turning 45 in 2008 allowed me to start free breast screening so off I went and once again mammogram came back clear. I had done everything in my power for early detection.
I had always had trouble with my left boob, as far back as 2005, just before our wedding. I noticed a large lumpy area that appeared out of the blue. Wellington Hospital mammogram came back clear, ultrasound found dense breast tissue and a cyst. Nothing to be concerned about. Then in 2006 I discovered a blood coloured discharge from the same breast and took myself off to the specialist again. Once again, mammogram came back clear and specialist said there was no breast cancer. Turning 45 in 2008 allowed me to start free breast screening so off I went and once again mammogram came back clear. I had done everything in my power for early detection.
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