I Don't Like Mondays

I don't much like Mondays and even though I didn't have to get up for work, today was no exception.  I woke up feeling very miserable and tearful and missing home. I still hadn't caught up on my sleep so today I decided I was going to have a bit of a party...a pity party that is!! I don't really think I had allowed myself to do that since my diagnoses five months ago. After breakfast I got into the shower, leaning on the stool to support my still painful back. As I viewed my, what felt like a mutilated body, I asked myself what I had done to deserve having to go through all this. I felt like my life had just begun to settle down. I was married to a fabulous man and we had just bought a new home and were planning a cruise in October...this whole episode had put our lives on hold, both physically, mentally and financially. I try to be a nice person and can't understand why there are people in the world who cause others horrendous harm but get away unscathed from things like this. I cried like I had never cried before but it felt good to let go of the grief.
Later on, one of the nurses came in and sat with me and listened to how I was feeling. Even though she hadn't been through it, she was very understanding and just to have somebody listen was comforting. She also thought that the morphine type medication was causing my sadness so she decided to try ibuprofen instead.
When Darren arrived he took me out for another spin in the wheelchair. This time we ventured outside for a breath of fresh air and did a few wheelies around the carpark which blew the cobwebs away.  On the way back to my room me made me drive myself...crikey...and I thought I was bad enough steering a Pak N Save trolley.  Those things have a mind of their own.

Same Stuff - Different Day And A New Means Of Travel

The next three days all sort of rolled into each other with lots of magazine reading, tv watching, having visitors, eating, physio and walking the corridors on the zimmer frame. Friday night I found it very difficult to get to sleep and lay awake until 2:00am. I relentlessly rang for the nurse and asked her for something to help me sleep. Morning came around all too quickly so on Saturday I was a bit of a cot case having had only about 4 hours sleep. My back was still giving me a tremendous amount of pain and the plastic surgeon told me that sometimes that can occur after surgery such as this. The nurses were very kind; one even went as far as using some of her own special anti-flam rub and massaged it in for me. I had also developed a bit of a cough irritated throat from the tubes which were put down there during surgery to keep the airways open.  The cathetar was also irritating my bladder and making me feel as if I wanted to wee continually, so I was pleased when they removed it on the Saturday. I was now able to walk around my room unaided but very slowly.
On Sunday Darren came in and I asked the nurses if we could use one of the wheelchairs as I had not been out of my room since Wednesday and was getting cabin fever. They said we could and so Darren took me for a bit of a spin along the corridor.  It felt so strange to be pushed in one of those and I felt like an old lady but it was good to be free for five minutes.

First Day As A New Woman

Today I woke up so hungry that I couldn't wait for the breakfast to come round. It had been 24 hours since my last meal. If you think for one moment that you get a good rest when you go into hospital for something like this, then let me tell you, that you do not. Hospital life is very busy and begins at 5:30am with painkillers as a pre-breakfast appetizer.  Then once you have drifted back off to sleep, you are woken again for a nice jab in the upper thigh with a sharp needle full of anti-blood clotting drugs. Not a pleasant way to start the day I can tell you and each day you get another nice bruise to prove it.

The plastic surgeon's visit was next. He told me that the surgery had gone well but my poor breast skin was so stretched and thin from the skin expander that they were unable to keep it intact and had to use all of my stomach skin to reform the breast. He also said that they had run out  of skin so there was a little bit of a gap on the underside of the breast next to my arm. I'm buggered if I can notice it; it looks pretty good to me. It is still quite swollen so is a little bigger than the finished product but the swelling should subside by the 3rd week. After breakfast, the nurses came in and gave me a bit of a wash and brought me my toothbrush so I could feel a bit more refreshed. Once that was done it was time for exercises with the physio and my first attempt at getting out of bed. This was extremely difficult to do. I had to bring my knees up, roll onto my side and then push up with my arms, at the same time swinging my legs off the bed. Once I had done it, I burst into tears and blew snot bubbles everywhere. I didn't really know why I was crying because it didn't really hurt. The nursing staff said it was the morphine and anaesthetic that causes the tears. They then bought me a walking frame which I grasped for dear life and pulled myself to half-standing with it. I could not stand up straight and was crouched over like an elderly woman. The pain I felt on standing was almost unbearable. It wasn't the operation site that was the problem; I felt like I had been smacked in the lower back with a piece of 4 x 2. I was able to manage one step forward and two to the side (bit like a waltz really) and then I sat back down on the bed exhausted....what an effort! They then left me to sleep and said they would be back for more exercises in the afternoon.  Hmmm...I couldn't wait!

Reconstruction Part 2

Well, today is the big day and once again I find myself standing at the breakfast bar, half asleep, gobbling down breakfast and knocking back my last cup of tea with milk before my food curfew begins at 7:00am. It was going to be a long time until I would be able to have anything to eat again.  We left for the hospital  ready for my admittance at 11:30am. We were again greeted by my lovely student nurse Emma. I now began to feel like an old hat around the place and almost felt inclined to ask if there were any jobs going as I seem to be spending so much time at Bowen Hospital, I may as well work there; after all I do know all of the staff!! Once again, I had my  surgical shower, donned my lovely blue hospital nightie that buttoned at the shoulders and signed my life away with the anaesthetist and jumped into bed awaiting my turn, like a lamb to the slaughter. At 1:00pm I gave my daughters a kiss and Darren walked with me as far as he was allowed to go. I gave him a kiss and told him I would bring him back a new woman. Once in theatre the team began preparing me for my surgery. I couldn't believe how different it was again going under the anaesthetic. This time I felt like I was walking down a beige corridor which  had a white light at the end but I couldn't quite make it to the end.
The next thing I knew it was gone 6 o'clock and I heard the recovery room nurse asking me what my pain level was on a scale from 1-10. With all the strength I could muster to talk, I told them it was a 9. They gave me a shot of morphine and gave me the pump to hold. Each time I felt pain, I was to press the button and the tap would administer a dose. Once awake, they wheeled me back to my room where I dozed in and out for about an hour and don't really remember much except my daughter Nicole wiping my hot face with a nice cool flannel.
In between times, I remember waking up and sleepily having a quick peek at my newly formed boobie. When I was properly awake my voice was so raspy from having the tube down my throat for five hours, it sounded like I had smoked a whole packet of Winfield Red in one go. I was so hungry but didn't have the strength to eat anything. My first meal became a lemonade iceblock which I ate whilst struggling to keep my eyes open between bites. The worst part of post-op is that the nurses come in every 30 minutes and are administering IV drugs, taking temperatures and blood pressures etc so once I did fall asleep, I was jolted awake again until 11pm at night and then every two hourly afterwards.

Reconstruction - Part 1 (Contains graphic pic)

On Wednesday 3rd March I had the first step of my reconstructive surgery at Bowen Hospital. My operation was scheduled for 3pm but the plastic surgeon was still in theatre so they didn't get started on me until about 4pm.  I hadn't had anything to eat since 10 am that morning and nothing to drink since 12noon so was keen to get this over with so I could afterwards lay back, have a drink and watch 'Packed To the Rafters' at 8.30 that evening.  I had a sense of dejavu as I had my pre-op antiseptic shower and donned my lovely surgical socks. This time I felt so calm in fact I remember feeling more nervous than this when I first had a bikini wax.  This time I had the honour of being wheeled into theatre by the plastic surgeon himself and the anasethetist.  This time I had a good look around the theatre and noticed that there were six people all taking care of me plus the student  nurse who I had agreed to let observe the operation.This same nurse will also be taking care of me along the way right through to the end of the reconstructive process. It was strange going under the anasethetic this time. The first time I felt woozy and remember going out but this time my arm felt warm and that was the last thing I knew until I woke up in recovery.  The operation this time was only a short one taking about an hour.  It is called a delay.  The surgeon makes an incision in the shape of a horseshoe on my tummy.  This is to get the blood circulation going into the piece of skin they are going to cut out to form my new breast. From the photograph you can see the lines which the plastic surgeon has drawn.  This is the area which will be cut out next week.  The incision has been covered with honeycomb padding and waterproof dressing so I can shower.

The surgeon also drew some saline out of the skin expander because the skin was so stretched, that the fold of the expander was almost pushing a hole through my skin; so now I have a wrinkled up triangle shape for a breast.I came home the next morning and have been up and about but still quite tired and making sure I have lots of sleeps.

Birthday Blessings

6th February 2010

It was my 47th birthday on Saturday and my daughter Nicole told me that her and Kelsey were going to take me out for lunch.  We got ready and set off (albeit 20 minutes late) to Ambience. It was a boiling hot day, the markets were on and there people everywhere.  It was safe to say that I couldn't find a car park anywhere. We eventually found a park and feeling somewhat hot and flustered we walked into the cafe. As we stood at the counter I looked around and saw one of my friends sitting at a table.  I thought that was strange as I had only spoken to her yesterday and she hadn't mentioned that she was going out to lunch. Then as I looked around at the other ladies one by one I realised that my daughters had invited some of my good friends and my mother-in-law as a surprise.  And that it was!  We had a lovely afternoon together and I am so blessed to have friends and family who care so much.

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

The thing that I have discovered mostly since the beginning of this journey is that everything associated with it involves waiting.  Now some people who know me say that I am a patient person but I beg to differ. Every process involves waiting; waiting for appointments, waiting for tests, waiting for the results, waiting to be referred to someone else. Then back you go to square one and start all over again. I am one of the lucky ones because most of my procedures are being done privately except for the chemotherapy.

14th February 2010

On Wednesday I had the pleasure of going to Wellington Public Hospital. (Previous post readers will know how I feel about that place).  Suffice to say, I was seen to a lot quicker this time round. I was booked in for a CT scan at 8.30am.  This test is done as a matter of course just to make sure there is nothing anywhere else they should know about. So the previous night I had to drink a solution of Losec which lines the stomach.  The following morning I wasn't allowed any breakfast and had to drink two more lots of Losec one hour apart before we left and on the way in to the hospital.  Yup, it's great being stuck in early morning traffic with a full bladder.

Once I got to Radiology I had to have, yup you've guessed it, another drink of Losec. This is given before they put dye into my body so that the dye shows up.  The nurse then put a line into my vein so that they could administer the dye.  Once I start chemotherapy I shall be having a larger one of these,  (called a PICC line) in my vein for the entire six months where the chemotherapy drug will be administered.

Once the preliminaries were done I went through to the CT scan machine.  You lay on the bed and the bed raises up and passes the area to be scanned backwards and forwards through the hole where the cameras are. It takes about half an hour. The nurse told me that once the dye was injected I would feel a warmth all over my body and would feel a sensation like I had wet my pants, when actually I hadn't.  Very weird, I must say.

Once I had finished there I had to go and have my MUGA scan which is a moving picture of my heart function.

Firstly I had to have some metal injected into my hand and then had to wait half an hour for it to work it's way to my heart.  Once it had done that I had some radioactive liquid injected into my vein via the line in my arm.  The nurse informed me that I would be radioactive for 12 hours afterwards and to stay away from pregnant women and children. 

The MUGA machine was set up similar to the CT scan only the camera was on the left had side of me  and they lowered it down over my heart area.  I had to lay still for 30 minutes.  Once that was done I was free to go. Who would have thought that the waiting room would have been so full of children so needless to say we didn't hang around.

I had found out the day before that my chemotherapy isn't booked to start until March 18th.   Another wait.  My oncologist had said last week when I met him that I could go ahead and have my reconstruction before starting chemo if I wish as I don't have to have radiation treatment. So I made an appointment later in the day with my plastic surgeon and that's what we have decided to do.  I am booked in to have the first part done on the 3rd March. It involves a night hospital stay where they will score the skin on my abdomen to encourage the blood vessels to that area.  They will cover it will plastic dressing and I will go home for a week. Then on the following Wednesday (10th March) I go back into surgery.  They will take the fat and skin from my stomach and push it up under my skin and into the pocket of stretched skin, to form the new breast. They will then sew up my tummy and create a new belly button as the one I've got now will be pulled down low and will look strange. I will be in hospital for 7 days as this is quite a biggie but will be well worth it.  I have just about had enough of the skin expander as there are some sharp corners on it pushing my skin out from the inside so it will be good to have that gone.   I will be off work for six weeks this time.  Then after that I just have the chemotherapy to go and I shall be as good as new one!