It has been a very, very long time since I have blogged so go make yourself a cup of tea and settle in for the long haul.
Isn't it strange how life never turns out how we imagine (and hope) it will. Sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes not so good. I had visions of passing away from Cancer before my 50th birthday...well that is only ten weeks away and I am still here alive and kicking, so that definitely is a good thing. What I did not imagine is that my husband would end our marriage and blame it on the cancer.
At the last post I wrote that we were heading off to Rarotonga for a well deserved holiday. It did not go as I imagined...I felt something was wrong but could not put my finger on it. Things were strained and we may as well have been flat mates on holiday together. A week after being home things happened very fast. Exactly one week after our holiday my husband told me that he didn't want to be married to me anymore and stated the reason was that with the cancer and everything we had been through together, he had nothing more to give. I was shocked. Within two weeks the marital property was divided and I moved out of the home, leaving behind my husband, home, security, my future and my darling puppy Tyson. I lived in disbelief for months but buried it deep inside so that I could continue to function and carry on with everyday life as best I could.
Of course the question was on everyone's lips....was there another woman as generally is the case as 9 times out of 10 men won't leave a relationship until there is a new woman to replace the previous. Like a fool I believed him when he said there wasn't but two weeks later I found out that it wasn't the case at all. I was devastated. How could I have been cast off so quickly and forgotten about. After all that we have been through, I had survived two lots of cancer only to have my marriage crumble.
This all happened the very same week that my beautiful daughter Nicole was graduating from university. I could not afford to lose control. Looking back on it all now, I don't know how I made it through but I did. Never underestimate what a cancer survivor is capable of. I knew I would get through it. I read a poster that said 'If you are going through hell, keep going' so I did.
The toughest time I think was in August when my six monthly check ups for breast and thyroid fell due. Not only was I scared of the breast cancer reoccurring but if I was to need more treatment I would have no husband to help me through it. It was a very scary feeling. I was worrying about nothing though as far as the breast screening went....all came up clear, praise the lord. My ultrasound on my thyroid detected some changes in some nodules so I did have to go and have a fine needle aspiration on my remaining thyroid which came back clear as well.
One of the things I have always wanted to have done is to have my front teeth straightened so for all that I had been through in the past months, I decided I would go ahead and get them done. I have had veneers added to three front teeth and have had a tooth removed which was very discoloured and crooked. I have a partial denture which is temporary until I can have my bridge work completed just prior to Xmas.
So, once I started healing from the marriage breakup I started to once again look forward. That on it's own raised a whole new set of questions surrounding breast cancer and what it had done to my body.
Would I find a man who would still find me attractive?
How would I feel about getting undressed in front of a new partner?
Would my partner be repulsed by my scars and strange breast and nipple?
Would my partner want to risk having feelings for someone who may become sick again?
Would a new partner support me if I were to become sick again or would he leave?
I had never had to worry about all these issues as my husband had taken the journey with me and was used to the new me. I guess if a new partner is worth it, he will love me for me regardless.
I had also decided once my marriage was over that I would go to the Gold Coast to live as I have always had a yearning to live in Australia. In October I spent eight days there to find out which part I would be most keen to live in. This was my first flight that I have ever taken by myself so I was a little nervous. I travelled to Brisbane firstly and as I made my way to my hotel I could not believe that I was really in another country all on my own. It was liberating. I then went down to Broadbeach and Surfers Paradise for two days and then on down to Kirra and Coollangatta. The day before I flew home, I returned back to Surfers Paradise and spent some time looking around the neighbourhood. I had a wonderful time and am going back in February for four days to celebrate by 50th birthday over there.
Self-portrait just before going out on the town
All going well I plan to make the move over to the Gold Coast sometime in the first half of 2013. It will be a new start for me: Where I live is full of memories, it is where I had cancer, it is where my marriage broke up, it is where my home that I no longer live in is situated. I will move on and leave the past behind.
