The Casualties of Breast Cancer

Hi everyone in blogland,
It has been a very, very long time since I have blogged so go make yourself a cup of tea and settle in for the long haul.

Isn't it strange how life never turns out how we imagine (and hope) it will.  Sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes not so good.  I had visions of passing away from Cancer before my 50th birthday...well that is only ten weeks away and I am still here alive and kicking, so that definitely is a good thing. What I did not imagine is that my husband would end our marriage and blame it on the cancer.

At the last post I wrote that we were heading off to Rarotonga for a well deserved holiday. It did not go as I imagined...I felt something was wrong but could not put my finger on it. Things were strained and we may as well have been flat mates on holiday together.  A week after being home things happened very fast. Exactly one week after our holiday my husband told me that he didn't want to be married to me anymore and stated the reason was that with the cancer and everything we had been through together, he had nothing more to give. I was shocked. Within two weeks the marital property was divided and I moved out of the home, leaving behind my husband, home, security, my future and my darling puppy Tyson. I lived in disbelief for months but buried it deep inside so that I could continue to function and carry on with everyday life as best I could.

Of course the question was on everyone's lips....was there another woman as generally is the case as 9 times out of 10 men won't leave a relationship until there is a new woman to replace the previous. Like a fool I believed him when he said there wasn't but two weeks later I found out that it wasn't the case at all. I was devastated.  How could I have been cast off so quickly and forgotten about. After all that we have been through, I had survived two lots of cancer only to have my marriage crumble.

This all happened the very same week that my beautiful daughter Nicole was graduating from university. I could not afford to lose control. Looking back on it all now, I don't know how I made it through but I did. Never underestimate what a cancer survivor is capable of. I knew I would get through it. I read a poster that said 'If you are going through hell, keep going' so I did.

The toughest time I think was in August when my six monthly check ups for breast and thyroid fell due. Not only was I scared of the breast cancer reoccurring but if I was to need more treatment I would have no husband to help me through it. It was a very scary feeling.  I was worrying about nothing though as far as the breast screening went....all came up clear, praise the lord. My ultrasound on my thyroid detected some changes in some nodules so I did have to go and have a fine needle aspiration on my remaining thyroid which came back clear as well.

One of the things I have always wanted to have done is to have my front teeth straightened so for all that I had been through in the past months, I decided I would go ahead and get them done.  I have had veneers added to three front teeth and have had a tooth removed which was very discoloured and crooked. I have a partial denture which is temporary until I can have my bridge work completed just prior to Xmas.


So, once I started healing from the marriage breakup I started to once again look forward. That on it's own raised a whole new set of questions surrounding breast cancer and what it had done to my body.
Would I find a man who would still find me attractive?
How would I feel about getting undressed in front of a new partner?
Would my partner be repulsed by my scars and strange breast and nipple?
Would my partner want to risk having feelings for someone who may become sick again?
Would a new partner support me if I were to become sick again or would he leave?

I had never had to worry about all these issues as my husband had taken the journey with me and was used to the new me. I guess if a new partner is worth it, he will love me for me regardless.


I had also decided once my marriage was over that I would go to the Gold Coast to live as I have always had a yearning to live in Australia. In October I spent eight days there to find out which part I would be most keen to live in.  This was my first flight that I have ever taken by myself so I was a little nervous.  I travelled to Brisbane firstly and as I made my way to my hotel I could not believe that I was really in another country all on my own. It was liberating. I then went down to Broadbeach and Surfers Paradise for two days and then on down to Kirra and Coollangatta. The day before I flew home, I returned back to Surfers Paradise and spent some time looking around the neighbourhood.  I had a wonderful time and am going back in February for four days to celebrate by 50th birthday over there.

Self-portrait just before going out on the town

All going well I plan to make the move over to the Gold Coast sometime in the first half of 2013. It will be a new start for me:  Where I live is full of memories, it is where I had cancer, it is where my marriage broke up, it is where my home that I no longer live in is situated. I will move on and  leave the past behind.

Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back

Hi everyone, well it's been almost five months since I have blogged.   Life has once again become busy as I'm sure it is for all of us.  I have since had two changes in employment since last posting.  As you know I was working for Healthcare NZ doing support work in the Paraparaumu area.  I got to meet lots of people and it was great to be able to give back to other people who needed assistance.  Unfortunately the company I was working for lost the District Health Board contract to supply these services so 170 support workers were allocated out to work for either Presbyterian Support Services or Access.  I was employed by PSS.  That is when things started to go downhill workwise.  My hours began to dwindle from 32 hours a week and were floating around the 19 hours per week mark.  It became very stressful for me to not be able to bring in a decent wage.  They were a difficult to company to work for, never being able to contact managers etc etc.  I decided that I need to get away from there so I emailed a few rest homes in our area to enquire about employment.  Safe to say I am now working with a lovely bunch of people at the Kapiti Rest Home on Paraparaumu Beach.  I do a little bit of Diversional Therapy but mostly caregiving.....and I am loving it.  It is the perfect job for me!  It has taken a while for me to fit into a job so perfectly but I can see a long and happy employment where I am.

My third six monthly check-up rolled around in February.  As you can envisage, this is quite a stressful time for me and about six weeks before the appointment I do start to become anxious that all is not well.  Well, again, I needn't have worried.  Mammogram and ultrasound have come back clear again.  I have one more six weekly check up in August and then move onto yearly checks, so that is great to have come so far.

At the end of March I took part in the Cancer Society's Relay for Life 2012. www.relayforlife.org.nz/ It was held at Frank Kitts Park in Wellington and 2500 people took part.   I participated as a Survivor and got to wear a red sash to show my journey.  I took with me my husband Darren,  daughter Nicole and very good friend and supporter Sophie who got to wear green sashes to show that they played a huge part in caring for me throughout my illness.  It was a beautiful day in Wellington as the sun shone over everyone taking part.  We were invited to the survivors tent for afternoon tea and then we attended the official opening. At 4.00pm the survivors and their carers had the privilege of opening the ceremony by doing a survivors lap which was  lead by a group of drummers; it was quite an emotional experience.  As I walked I felt jubilant that I could take part as a survivor so that was a celebration in itself.  It was wonderful to see so many survivors banded together (and that is just in the Wellington area) who have fought the battle and won. I also remembered my friend Brenda from Greymouth who was diagnosed the same day as me who sadly didn't make it.  I shed tears for her. And most of all it was great to see so many people, young, old, rich, poor, black, white, fighting back, what an army of us standing together to challenge this beast.  Next year I hope to take part again either as a volunteer or to enter a team of 10 to raise funds and awareness.  Any person who has walked the walk of cancer I encourage you to take part. Here are a few of the photos from that day.  Many thanks to my daughter Nicole for taking such memorable shots.

So that is all for this post....Darren and I are off to Rarotonga on Sunday for ten days for a relaxing holiday.....one which I think we truly deserve.  Until next time xx